Struggling with Bipolar Disorder, there will be times where I will be feeling depressed. This can either come "naturally"—with no apparent cause—or by being triggered by an event in my life. Whenever I feel suicidal, I believe there is no reason for me to continue to have new experiences—I somehow believe that 21 = too old. I don't even notice the little changes in life from when I was a child until now. I don't know if certain new experiences will ever come—my first kiss, learning to ride a bicycle, learning to swim, completing my education, my first actual employment, achieving my dreams, to name a few. It feels as though, cramped in my grandmother's house practically 24/7 with very few opportunities to leave the house, every day is the same thing, even with the few "new experiences" I do have.
Recently, I realized I have had a few new meaningful experiences, even if they're small. When I was a child, for no reason at all, I hated ketchup. I would never ingest it for any reason at all. While I was in the mental hospital for 2 days and 2 nights, I tried new foods... and hated most of them! Mustard and coffee, to name a few. However, I tried breakfast potatoes and wished I could have it forever... unfortunately, I was unable to try pot roast since I ordered it for dinner and left the hospital before dinnertime. Ketchup was something I had the opportunity to try, but refused to since I was scared I would like it... or more horrifyingly, that I WOULD like it... and that it would change a part of my retained childhood (dis)interests. I recently realized the reason I didn't enjoy mashed potatoes was because my mother would make it too watery and bland... when I tried it with a better texture and flavor, I realized I could enjoy mashed potatoes after all. My mother eventually adapted the recipe from my grandmother and could finally improve on how she created them! Anyway, today I ordered Fried Chicken Wings with French Fries from King's Wok and decided to try out their duck sauce on the chicken wings... and it tamed the flavor while making it sweeter at the same time! I saw the ketchup in the bag and decided, "Well... perhaps I could try this just this once..." I opened the packet, pushed upon it toward the slit and licked from that area... and it was surprisingly very sweet! Just like marinara sauce! I decided to try it on the French fries and it was absolutely exquisite! I never realized that ketchup was such an enjoyable condiment until now... especially since I don't believe I've ever tried it! I'm still uncertain about trying it with crispy fried chicken for now, but I may in the future.
I realized that it's never too late to have new experiences... and no matter how small, new experiences can be valuable.
Once again, I am looking forward to the future. Even if things look bleak today, there's always a chance for a better tomorrow... until you're dead!
By the way, today is my oldest brother's 27th birthday. He fell today and started crying, leaving me tearing up 2 rooms away, but I wish him well and I'm sorry today couldn't have gone better for him... regardless of the past, I suppose I truly do love him... here's to 40+ more birthdays! ♥
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